


First Five Kisses

by maybecatie



Category: American Actor RPF, British Actor RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-27
Updated: 2011-03-27
Packaged: 2017-10-17 07:56:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/174601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maybecatie/pseuds/maybecatie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Four times the kiss didn't count, and one time it did.</p>
            </blockquote>





	First Five Kisses

It started when they were both very young; perhaps six or seven years old, and it had started innocently enough. Kids their age didn’t even know what love or sexuality was, or maybe they did; maybe children were the only people that could love someone unconditionally, before they learned to recognize flaws and before they became poisoned by the judgments and constraints that society relentlessly spewed into their brains when they grew older. But all Jesse knew was that Andrew was his bestest-best friend in the whole world, and that he was super-cute, and all Andrew knew was that Jesse was just about the coolest person in the world with his Batman lunch-box and an endless supply of only the coolest toys at home.

Their first kiss, if it counts, and for all intents and purposes we will say that it does, was a kiss on the cheek from Jesse to Andrew. It was something he’d seen Mommy and Daddy do quite often and a ritual he’d witnessed between another boy and a girl at school – though he thought that all of the girls in his class were icky, and Andrew was the prettiest person in the world besides his Mommy – his parents had smiled and ‘aww’ed at them, knowing what good friends they were and knowing they were too young to know what they were doing.

 

Their second kiss happened at school – a simple gesture of affection from one adoring best friend to another. Sadly for them, it was the wrong time and place, and, caught by their teacher, Jesse was told strictly not to do that again.

“Why can’t I give Andrew a kiss, mommy?” seven year old Jesse had asked his mother in his confusion. “You give Daddy kisses, and you give me kisses too!”

His mother had told him that those were different, that he could be Andrew’s friend all he wanted, but he couldn’t kiss him, not even on the cheek. He had a hard time understanding this, and why one of his girl classmates could kiss a boy, but he came to the conclusion that boys weren’t allowed to kiss other boys. While this made no sense to his immature brain, and he had no idea what sexuality was yet, he accepted it, if grudgingly, and the little kisses stopped. But they remained the best of friends well throughout elementary school and right into junior high.

 

The third one happened almost half a decade later, both of them twelve years old. They were at Jesse’s house for the night, his parents out of town, and they were supposed to be being babysat by his older brother, though he’d gone off with a friend, irresponsible as he was.

“Can you keep a secret?” Andrew asked Jesse at one point during the evening, and Jesse said that of course he could.

Andrew reached under the bed and pulled out a magazine. This wasn’t just any magazine like the ones that came in your mailbox once a month, though; it was a magazine with naked or half-naked women plastered all over each of the pages including the front cover. Andrew had never seen a girl with her clothes off before, and was both amaze and disgusted by the images.

“What is that?” one of them would ask aloud as they leafed through the images. “Where’d he get this?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Andrew replied softly, “but he’s got a whole lot more. He seems to like them…” from the way he looked at him, Jesse could tell Andrew was just as confused as he was.

Sure, the pictures were… interesting, and sure, he’d learned a lot more about girls, but Jesse didn’t particularly like them. In fact, he almost thought they were a little bit scary. He knew other boys liked to look at girls naked, liked it a whole lot, liked to touch them and kiss them and do other things, but he didn’t get any kind of positive feelings looking at these pictures – was something wrong with him?

“I don’t get it.”

“Don’t get what?”

“I mean… do you feel anything?”

“No….”

Nor did he ‘feel anything’ when they went into Andrew’s brother’s room and watched the video that they found hidden in his bedside table drawer, among many more of the magazines- he seemed to be an avid collector. He’d known what sex was of course, at least in theory, that it was something a boy and a girl did to make a baby, but he’d never actually seen it like this.

Still, the women didn’t make him feel anything when he looked at them, but it was the guys that caught his eye, that caused something very strange to happen. Shifting his feet, he looked over at Andrew, but he didn’t seem to be bothered.

“Jess?”

“Yeah, Drew?”

“Have you ever kissed a girl?”

Jesse shrugged. “Once or twice.”

“What was it like?” Andrew asked, his eyes on the screen, noticing how the man and the woman seemed to be enjoying the kiss very much. He glanced at his friends lips, wondering how they would feel, wondering if they’d taste like the Doctor Pepper lip balm Andrew always used.

“Um, it wasn’t anything special.”

“Really?”

Jesse shrugged again. He hadn’t enjoyed it. It had been a girl named Jenny Clark in the hallway during the break between Math and Reading. She’d come up to him, giggling, and asked innocently for a kiss, and once she’d gotten it, promptly took back off around the corner to meet her friends. It’d been extremely awkward and unpleasant – for him at least - and left him in a daze of confusion.

“Have you ever kissed a boy?”

He looked at his friend in amazement. “That’s not allowed.”

“Right. But have you?”

“No.”

“Do you know why it’s not allowed?”

Jesse shrugged again, helplessly. “My mom just says it’s something I shouldn’t do.”

“Do you want to?”

“What?”

“Do you want to kiss me?” Andrew asked, tilting his head at Jesse like it was a perfectly normal question. Glancing at the screen again, he didn’t know why the man and the woman were moaning, but he guessed it was the good kind of moan, and he wanted to try. “I don’t know, just to try. See if anything happens.”

So they kissed, for the third time. Or they tried to; they didn’t really know the logistics of it yet, but they kind of moved their lips together, and it was at least much better than the one he’d had with Jenny Clark, and something strange definitely happened in his jeans.

They never talked about that again.

 

The fourth kiss happened some time later, when they were both in college, chilling at Andrew’s house on spring break while his parents were out for the evening. Andrew and Jesse were still best friends, going to school together.

At twenty Jesse still hadn’t fully accepted his sexuality. He’d never had a boyfriend; maybe a few flings with someone he’d meet at a bar, but those never meant anything. His parents still didn’t know; he hadn’t gotten the chance or the nerve to tell them.

Andrew was openly gay; it had never seemed to be a problem for him. Jesse always envied him for his confidence, his certainty. In fact, there were countless things about Andrew that he admired, and he hated the fact that Andrew was the one he lied awake at night thinking about, tossing and turning and cursing at himself until he looked at the clock and found it to be four in the morning, but he just couldn’t help it. Even though they were both gay, they’d never done anything together, never even talked about it, and Jesse hadn’t pushed it, taking Andrew’s abstinence as a sign that he simply didn’t want Jesse as anything more than a friend.

That hurt, though. Andrew was just about everything Jesse could want in a person; down to earth, logical but witty and sweet, they shared many of the same morals and Jesus Christ, he was attractive. He had a whole list of naughty, dirty things he could do to Andrew and whenever he saw him chewing a piece of gum he’d get an almost unbearable urge to walk right up to him and pull it out of his mouth – with his own lips. He felt a stab in his heart every time Andrew told him he was going out on a date, and no matter how many hookups he had on his own, he couldn’t stop comparing everyone to Andrew.

And he found himself quiet and nervous around Andrew, out of some great need to feel accepted by him. Andrew in fact was one of Jesse’s only friends, surely the only friend he would trust with his life. He’d cling to him like a lost puppy, then back off for a while when he thought he started to get too annoying. Andrew was the only person he felt safe and at ease with, where he knew he didn’t have to fake it, but he still found himself doing so. He felt some great need to be accepted, for Andrew to like him, because Andrew was all he had in the world, and it hurt that he knew Andrew didn’t care for him nearly as much, and it scared him how dependent on Andrew he was, how much he relied on him as a life source for every day. It hurt like a bitch, but he kept his mouth shut, not willing to risk their friendship.

Anyway, this was what two losers did, had a few beers together sitting in their parents living rooms on a Friday night. They’d gotten drunk. Or at least Andrew was drunk, Jesse was just a little tipsy having the higher tolerance, but it was enough that he was stumbling through the kitchen, playing with the dimmer and laughing hysterically, somehow finding the changing light hilarious. Andrew was taking shot after shot, just about as drunk as you could get without being completely wasted.

“Jesssssss-eeeeeeeey!” Andrew cried and launched himself into Jesse’s arms, slamming the both of them back against the fridge, but it was too funny to hurt much. Andrew stared at him with a big open-mouthed smile, and Jesse noted how they shone under the lights in the kitchen, for the millionth time noticed their color; liquid gold, little flecks of brown and green and even blue around the edges. He’d always loved Andrew’s eyes, could go on for hours about their beauty and everything he saw in them, but never had he seen them this close.

He could see in Andrew’s eyes that he was totally gone, but he was still shocked when Andrew kissed him. It wasn’t just any kiss, either, it was tangled tongues and scraping teeth, only partly due to the effects of the alcohol.

When Andrew didn’t pull back right away, Jesse threaded his hands through his curls and kissed him harder, as hard as he could. Yes, he was taking advantage of the fact that Andrew was drunk, and he was taking advantage of it for he knew the moment would soon be over. He wondered if it was simply the beer that was making Andrew do things he wouldn’t normally do, or if he’d always wanted to kiss Jesse and it was the beer that was making him release those inhibitions.

He didn’t question it, though. He took everything Jesse gave him and returned it with everything he had. Unfortunately, the kiss was the end of it, and once done, Andrew giggled and pulled back and moved on with more drunken antics.

Andrew wound up puking and passing out in the hallway, limbs sprawled out on the kitchen tile, leaving Jesse to clean up the mess and heave him upstairs, chucking him onto the spare mattress on the floor. He wasn’t even sure if Andrew remembered it, and he supposed he’d never know.

They never talked about that one, either.

 

Their fifth kiss; the scenario began similarly. A party during summer break after sophomore year, Jesse’s house this time, just a few good friends. Neither he nor Andrew was ever the type to go to clubs, get wasted and fuck girls; they both preferred a simple, fun evening at home with some close friends.

Nothing special happened over the course of the night. Movies, beer, lots of laughing and ridiculous antics, all the usual, and Jesse wound up knocking out on the couch, the first to fall asleep.

It was the next day when he woke up, the sunlight filtering in through the thin blinds in the living room burning into his skull. With a groan, he rolled over on the couch, planning to drag himself up and fin the rest of the crew, but he stilled when he heard Andrew’s voice drifting from the kitchen. And their friend, Tommy.

“Have you told him?” That was Tommy.

“No, of course not.” Andrew. “That’s why I’m telling you.”

“And what good is that gonna do you? You need to talk to him, Drew.”

Jesse lifted his head, slowly, over the arm of the couch, just enough to see Andrew’s head of dark hair through the doorway of the kitchen. He was leaning on the island, Tommy against the counter along the wall. “I can’t, Tom. That’s why I’m coming to you. He doesn’t feel the same way.”

“How do you know that if you haven’t talked to him?”

“It’s obvious,” said Andrew, and it was easy to tell when he was getting frustrated. Almost amusing. Jesse listened, interested, in who the new guy was, though wondered why they were talking in such hushed tones – afraid of waking him up? Not likely. Jesse didn’t even allow himself to hope… “He doesn’t… he’s not… it’s just obvious, okay?”

“Okay,” said Tom skeptically. “Then tell me, how do you feel when you’re around him?”

Andrew’s head fell forward, the way it always did when he was thinking intently about something. Jesse imagined him licking his lips, twice, the way he did when he was thinking, imagined his lips just a little bit open the way they always were. “He’s…” Andrew paused. Ran a hand through his hair. “He makes me happy, mostly. Whenever I’m around him, I’m happy. But it’s like… God, you’ve never been in love, have you?”

“Negative.”

It wasn’t. It couldn’t be him… could it? No. It couldn’t. Andrew didn’t love him. Andrew pushed him away. It wasn’t him, right? Right. Right?

“Well, it’s like…” Andrew moved away from the counter to pace around the kitchen, another quirk of his that Jesse was used to; he always had to be moving when he was talking, or he’d lose focus on whatever he was saying, and people had to constantly tell him to sit still, not knowing that he just wasn’t capable of it. He didn’t talk for a few moments, seeming to be collecting his thoughts, and then he stopped.

Jesse pushed himself off the couch, slowly, shuffled over to the doorway with his footsteps muffled by the carpet. Andrew, still pacing frantically, didn’t see him.

“First,” Andrew said, voice still barely above a whisper, “whenever I see him, he just makes me so happy. Thinking of him, imagining him, makes me smile, everything he does makes me all nervous and tingly and excited, he’s one of the sweetest and most respectable people I know… I can’t stop thinking about him when I go to sleep, I find myself comparing everyone I go out with to him, and the finding them not good enough, and… being around him, I’m caught between wanting to fuck the hell out of him and just wanting to take him and hold him and kiss him.” He wasn’t fidgeting now, and from this angle, Jesse could see the seriousness on his face, how he meant this with so much of his heart that he could sit still to say it, and there was something else his eyes held that Jesse had never seen – could it be longing?

His heart was exploding – could he be the one Andrew was talking about? Why else would he be talking in such a hushed voice, and what other guys did he know that Tom did too?

“Andrew-“

“No, Tom—“

“Andrew. He’s right there.”

Andrew whirled around on his heel so fast he stumbled back, staring at Jesse with wide eyes and an pen jaw. Him. It was him. Himhimhimhimhim. Andrew, Andrew, goddamn Andrew had the same feelings that he’d been hiding for so long out of fear. And Andrew looked mortified.

Jesse walked right up to him, pushed him back against the fridge, took his face in both hands and kissed him. It was something he’d wanted to do for so long, that with this opportunity he couldn’t hold it back any longer. He felt Andrew squirming beneath him until he registered what was happening and relaxed, wrapping his arms around Jesse’s shoulders.

The kiss was everything he’d expected. Andrew’s arms were warm and strong, secure around his body like a protective shield. His lips were soft and tasted candy-sweet, the kiss clearly holding love despite the hunger behind it, and every movement of Andrew’s tongue against his sent waves of warmth through his body, every molecule bursting to life. He was even able to disregard the fact that Tom was watching him to just let himself melt and sink into Andrew as he’d wanted to for so long.

“Jesse…” Andrew choked when they finally separated, and for the first time, the first time for Jesse anyway, his eyes looked so vulnerable, so scared and Jesse just had to squeeze him tight. “Jes, you…”

Jesse pressed a finger to his lips. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that, Drew.”

And then Andrew’s arms were around him, head in the crook of his neck, holding onto him seemingly for life. He mumbled something against Jesse’s neck that sounded like ‘how long?’ and even though it wasn’t intentional, Jesse groaned at the feeling of his lips there.

“God, at least four years.”

“Why didn’t you… tell me?”

“Why didn’t you?”

“You never seemed… interested.” Jesse looked down. “I just figured you didn’t want me, I guess, since you never made it apparent that you did…”

“God, Jes…” Andrew squeezed him tighter, and then –

“Aheh-hem.”

Jesse, still with Andrew attached to his body, spun around to face their friend who they’d both entirely forgotten about.

“You guys wanna get a room?”

They looked at eachother, then at Tom, wondering if that was a real offer.

“Well, go on.” Tom waved them off, and Jesse didn’t any more invitation. “Come on,” he whispered, not letting himself let go of Andrew was they headed for the staircase and managed to maneuver themselves up it as a pair.

“Is this really happening?” Andrew whispered as he stumbled back onto the bed, Jesse, in his arms, coming with. His heart was beating a million times a minute, he felt like he couldn’t get a good breath of air in. Jessejessejessejessejesse.

Andrewandrewjeseandrewandrewandrew.

“Yeah, Drew,” Jesse whispered. “Did you really mean what you said? You were talking about me, right?”

“Of course!” said Andrew, pulling Jesse tighter against his body. “God, Jesse, of course. I’m sorry I hid it from you.”

Jesse shook his head, running his hands through Andrew’s dark locks, something he’d always wanted to do. They felt like feathers under his hands, silky smooth and somehow never tangled, much like his own unruly curls. “No, no, Drew, I’m sorry too. You… you’re everything I’ve wanted. Ever.”

Andrew couldn’t keep his hands off of Jesse any longer and he shut him up with a kiss on the lips – hard. He dragged his hands through his hair and sucked on Jesse’s tongue as Jesse straddled him. All of this felt like a dream, like it was too good to be true, so Jesse was savoring every moment. “Jesse, I want you,” he whispered, and he meant it in every way besides sexually, and sexually, too.

“You have me,” Jesse swore and they tumbled on the bed, Andrew clinging to Jesse’s side, lips curving and fluttering on his neck. He felt Andrew’s hands, always warm, slip tentatively under his shirt, resting on his ribs. They filled his body with a tingling warmth as if Andrew was some sort of life source, and it was almost cute how nervous Andrew sounded when he whispered “can I?”

“Of course, Drew.”

Andrew had seen him shirtless before, that was no big deal, but somehow his face flushed and he felt like a little virgin schoolboy again, but the slow, tentative swooping and gliding of Andrew’s hands over the curves of his body settled him. Andrew, though he wanted more than anything to just take Jesse’s awkward little body and fuck the life out of him, treated him as if his skin was an eggshell that mught shatter if you brushed the wrong spot. Each movement of those hands made Jesse breathe a little shallower, his head get a little fuzzier.

And then something awful hit him and he jerked back, eyes snapping wide open as he pushed himelf upright. Spell broken, mood broken.

“…Jes? Jes, did I hurt you?”

“No, no, I…” Jesse shoved his hands in his hair, cursed himself for this stupid anxiety that had him questioning every move he made. What if Andrew was faking it all, what if he hadn’t actually been talking about him? What was there to love about him? Why would Andrew ever want to love him the way he loves Andrew? This was ridiculous. He was dreaming, and soon, he’d wake up and everything would be back to normal and he’d have to face the crushing disappointment finding that none of it was real. “God, this is… this is just so fast… You – I- I mean, you and me, we— Wake up, Jesse…“

“Jes.”

Jesse yanked on his hair and kept babbling on until Andrew had to shut him up with another kiss. Jesse, his knees pulled to his chest and his hands pulling at his curls, stared at him helplessly. “I love you, Andrew. But… that’s the thing. I love you. And this can’t just be all about sex – please, if this is going to be all about sex I’d rather not have it at all – that’d hurt me more than anything.”

“I had no intention of doing that,” said Andrew, in his sweet accent that was soothing all by itself. Andrew could say ‘I murdered your family with a chainsaw’ and just his voice by itself would be soothing. He scooted over beside Jesse - poor, anxiety-plagued, paranoid always-overanalyzing Jesse, and wrapped his arms around the man’s shoulders. “Look at me, Jes.”

Jesse didn’t.

“Jes, I said look at me.”

The mess of curls slowly lifted, and two blue eyes peeked up. Andrew slipped a finger under his chin to raise it and kiss his cheek. “Jesse, look into my eyes.”

He did, nervously.

“I wouldn’t do anything, anything to hurt you, Jes. Ever – you know what. What I was saying to Tom – every word that I told him was a hundred percent true. I love you and I want to be with you in every way.”

Jesse then flung himself into Andrew’s arms, clutching at his body and pressing his face to his neck, probably not realizing the way his curls brushed sensually over Andrew’s cheek, like feathers, or the way his nose was pressing right into that special spot below his jaw. “I just needed to know that.”

Jesse pulled back, nodded. He slipped his hands under Andrew’s shirt, resting on his hips, echoing his cute little ‘can I?’ and, when he got a nod in return, sliding the shirt over Andrew’s slender body and tossing it aside. Andrew was tall and thin, every movement a graceful, florescent flourish while Jesse moved more like a big ogre. It was yet another thing he was insecure about, but when he looked at Andrew, he felt not envy, but admiration. His face flushed again at seeing Andrew with his shirt off and God what is wrong with me?

It was funny how, though they’d never done anything even close to this before, as they began to shed the rest of their clothes and move with eachother, knees didn’t bump, elbows didn’t scrape or dig painfully into a bone. It was as if Jesse and Andrew’s bodies had been made for this, had just been waiting to be able to come together in this way, and there was the familiarity somehow, as if they’d been doing this forever, and still the sparks of the first time.

“Jes,” Andrew whispered; his chest was against Jesse’s back, mouth right up at his ear. “Jes, are you a virgin?”

“No.”

“You need prepping?”

He gulped and debated this; if he asked for it, it might be a burden on Andrew, an annoyance, and he wouldn’t want to do this as much, or like him as much – if he said no, it would hurt, and if he made that known, Andrew would be annoyed with him, or think he was weak, or -

“Jesse. Jes, I don’t want to hurt you. If I hurt you, God, I’ll hate myself. No, don’t say anything, I’m prepping you anyway.”

Well, he thought, that was easy. He let himself relax, let Andrew slip his hands under his thighs and ease them apart and he’s really glad he took that shower last night before falling asleep. His mind is silently reeling, again and again going over the events of the past… hour? Is that how long it’s been? Going from cautiously awkward friend to… whatever this was now.

“Andrew,” murmured Jesse, hating himself for interrupting. “I-I don’t have any lube…”

Andrew bit his lip. “Do your parents have any?”

“Probably…”

“Where?”

“Uh, in their bathroom, in, uh, the cabinet under the sink—“

Andrew was up and off without warning, parading naked though Jesse’s house – thank god no one was home! He heard the banging of cupboard doors and things being moved about, a sharp thump and a hissed curse from Andrew.

“Stubbed my toe,” he explained with a laugh as he appeared in the doorway again, but he was holding a small bottle in his hand, and waving it triumphantly.

It took no time at all for them both to get back into the ‘mood’. Andrew was on top of Jesse again, chest to chest, thigh to thigh, as close as they could be. Fingers greased, they slipped down between Jesse’s legs, slipping inside with little difficulty. Even though it was just a finger, and he’d already been in this position maybe half a dozen times, Jesse moaned right in Andrew’s face and it was echoed when he clamped down tight, urging the finger in further, needing more.

“Please, Drew. You’re not gonna break me. Need it, please.”

His pushed himself up on his elbows and raised his ass higher in the air, turning his head to kiss Andrew, whimpering against his lips and he found himself thrusting down against Andrew’s fingers until he was being thoroughly finger-fucked, each deliberate jab driving him higher and higher, until he’d waited for this so long that he just couldn’t anymore.

“Drew,” he choked, his voice squeaky. “Need it. Need you. Now, now, now.”

“Oh, Jesse, are you sure this is okay?”

“Of course, Andrew, God – you’re turning into me!”

Andrew had to laugh at that and he ran his palm over Jesse’s cheek and kissed his forehead sweetly. He pulled away, and Jesse bit the inside of his cheek to keep back a whimper at the sudden emptiness – it was unbearable.

“Get on your back,” Andrew whispered as he got himself ready. “I need to be facing you.”

The warmth of his love was there in his voice, in his eyes when he looked down at Jesse with that adoring, admiring stare like Jesse was all the beauty in the world. It only turned him in to putty even more for him, and he wrapped his arms up around Andrew’s shoulders as he slipped inside.

They didn’t need to say anything; everything either of them could possibly express with words wouldn’t come close to what they said with how their bodies moved together, Andrew fucking him with full, deep strokes like he couldn’t wait any longer for this than he already had, but the slowness and tenderness behind each one, the way he cupped Jesse’s face with both hands to kiss him, open-mouthed, caring for him and loving him with every second.

And then, suddenly, it hit Jesse that it wasn’t fucking. Fucking wasquick, brutal, for pleasure. This wasn’t that at all; Andrew was making love to him. He gasped sharply and clutched Andrew even tighter, and then the slow thrusts found their mark against Jesse’s sweet spot and his teeth sank into Andrew’s shoulder, a desperate whimper as a plea for more. “There, there.”

“Drew…”

“Jess-“

Andrew’s lips pressed hard against Jesse’s with a squeal, his body tensing up and shooting forward like a rocket, and Jesse felt the warmth seep through his veins, only just behind, and when Andrew’s hand dropped down between them to grip his cock and give it a few of the best jerks he can manage, he was gone.

When they both came back down, clutching and tangled in eachother, Jesse knew that he’d given a part of himself to Andrew that he couldn’t take back. He’d never been good with commitments, the idea of you can only do things once had always terrified him and the idea of forever. But here, with Andrew, he didn’t feel any fear at all, not even a hint of that anxiety that plagues him all day long. Andrew’s presence and his arms around him were like a calming breath of fresh air. He was all too ready to just fall asleep like this, tangled with eachother, but there was one thing he had to say.

“Drew?”

“Yeah, Jes?”

“I love you.”

Andrew didn’t hesitate. “I love you too, Jesse. I always have.”


End file.
